I'm reading a book called Just Take a Bite: Easy Effective Answers to Food Aversions and Eating Challenges, and the section I just read on cultural and environmental aspects of eating was really eye-opening. Our culture puts the emphasis on us, as parents, "getting" our child to eat, and if we don't, we are "bad" parents. While many of the mainstream strategies for picky eaters are to impose penalties for not eating, force a child to eat the "yucky" foods, or offer desserts only as rewards, this doesn't work for children with eating delays or children that are "resistant eaters". Resistant eaters are a level beyond mere picky.
As parents, we are so focused on getting our child to eat, that it becomes about the food on the plate and the amount taken during the day, and ceases to be about giving the child a good eating experience. If food becomes a battle every time, and food creates negative emotions (i.e. from force feeding), it can also trigger the fight-or-flight response. Besides revving up your heart rate and breathing and making it less likely that you want to sit still and eat, it suppresses your appetite, so you're not even hungry! Talk about having the opposite effect from the intended.
Another general belief is that if you don't get your child to eat a certain amount each day (for us, as prescribed by the dieticians), you are failures as parents. No one comes right out and says it, but you feel it. Until I found a dietician I could work well with, I hated our GI appointments, because I always felt like there was this underlying judgment going on -- that it was my fault that Gabriel couldn't hold down the required calories. One of the hardest things we are trying to learn to do right now is to let Gabriel say when he's full. We want to respect his decision, even when it means he's only taken half of his "required" meal, but it's SO HARD. When is it behavioral, and when is he really full? I don't know if it is any easier for "normal" parents, because they don't have a doctor prescribed calorie goal. Gabriel's feeding has been regimented for so long, I don't know how we'll ever get comfortable with the ad-lib stage. This "clean your plate" mentality and the expectation that it is completely the parent's fault if it doesn't happen is hard to overcome. If we want to set up a hunger cycle and teach Gabriel about "full" and "hungry", we have to let him have a say.
Other cultural/environmental expectations that I find myself subject to are "don't play with your food", "don't talk with your mouth full/don't chew with your mouth open", and the belief that certain foods are for certain times of day. We are expected to teach our children table manners pretty much as soon as they start eating. However, the gateway to accepting food by mouth is the fingers. Touching, feeling, and playing with food makes a child more comfortable with that food, and by extension, they are comfortable putting it in their mouth. So we are ENCOURAGED to give Gabriel food to play with; it's a success if he will touch something new. We've seen this in action. When he first started, he would not even touch food, let alone put it in his mouth. It wasn't until he was comfortable touching purees and playing with a spoon that we were able to put the food on the spoon and into his mouth. Chewing and talking with a full mouth is also encouraged on our part, to show Gabriel the mechanics of eating, that we're comfortable with it, and that this is how you move food around in your mouth and swallow. He has all these beautiful teeth, and still doesn't really know how to use them.
Certain foods for certain times of day is very prevalent in our culture. Think about all the marketing that goes into promoting pancakes for breakfast or steak for dinner. McDonald's will only sell you an Egg McMuffin up until 11am, after that it's hamburger time. Diner restaurants will have "Breakfast served all day," emblazoned across their menu so that you can feel awesome about having pancakes for dinner. Kids that are learning to eat need to learn that all food is the same, all food has the same value. It's harder to be picky if no food is held up on a pedestal over others. They may still have favorite flavors, but WE don't need to be the ones telling them that cake is awesome, green beans are gross, and basically training them that the non-nutritious dessert is better than the nutritious chicken, green bean and yam casserole. There is also no reason that you can't have carrots for breakfast and cereal for dinner. I know I'm subject to this: I make Gabriel cereal for breakfast, a protein/veggie mix for lunch and dinner and give him yogurt and fruit for snack. I'm trying to learn to be more flexible and give him whatever works, but since I spent so long making tube recipes, counting calories, and ensuring he gets the USDA mandated balance of foods, it's hard to make that transition.
Raising kids seems to be all about tuning out the world and its many conflicting messages. Food is just another one to learn to ignore. If he's happy and healthy, that's what matters. Now, why can't I remember that on the difficult eating days?
